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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are biblical figures that represent the end of the world. Although not world-ending, Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Conflict represent communication styles that his research has shown can help predict the likely end of a relationship.
In this blog post, we’ll discuss each Horseman of Conflict and discuss how to overcome them in our own lives.
Criticism
Criticism looks like attacking your partner’s character rather than voicing your discontent with their behaviors. This can look like labeling them with adjectives (“You’re so lazy”). Avoid criticism by using “I” statements (“I feel frustrated when I feel like I’m the only one that does the dishes.”)
Contempt
Contempt is about feeling better than your partner and belittling them. This can look like sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or any other behavior that expresses an “I’m better than you” attitude. Overcome contempt by expressing appreciation for your partner and making an effort to understand their perspective before judging.
Defensiveness
It’s easy to have the instinct to share “your side” of the story when someone brings up a problem. However, when done without care, this defensiveness can shift the blame to your partner. To avoid defensiveness, take a step back and recognize what accountability you have in the situation and provide your perspective with “I” statements.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when you withdraw from your partner. You may do this without realizing it because you’re overwhelmed or feeling unheard. Stonewalling can look like ignoring their texts, changing the subject, becoming silent, or physically leaving. To avoid stonewalling, communicate to your partner that you need some space and provide reassurance that you’ll return (“I’m feeling really stressed right now. I’m going to take a five minute break and come back so we can cool off a bit.”)
Overall, it’s important to remember that relationships require ongoing effort and continuous communication. By recognizing the Four Horsemen of Conflict and conquering them with improved communication skills, you can strengthen your relationship and its longevity!
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