Appreciating Third Things in Relationships: Connecting with Your Partner

One person, a second person, and a third thing. 

Donald Hall writes about third things as things that bring two people together. He writes, “Our gazes met and entwined as they looked at a third thing.” Third things can be children, similar music taste, a co-op videogame, or a hiking trail that you visit each Saturday. Sometimes, third things disappear: children move out, music tastes change, you don’t have time to play games together, or it becomes too cold to go hiking.

Intentionally seeking third things is essential to maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner. Third things create memories, provide space for conversations, and help you learn more about your partner. Without a third thing, you may feel distant, or even bored – this disconnect may be a signal to seek out a third thing.

Third things can be simple, like listening to a song together, or complex, like learning a new language. A third thing can be fleeting, such as a beautiful bird that you point out on a walk that draws your attention to a mutual point.

Here are some categories of third things:

• Creation: making art, playing music, writing poetry, gardening

• Exercise: hiking, rock climbing, going to the gym, dancing, going for a walk

• Intellectual curiosities: reading the same book, going to an art museum, listening to a podcast together

• Enjoyment: playing a game, learning about a new topic, watching a movie

Maybe some third things come to mind for you, and maybe you’ve brainstormed some new third things. Invite your partner to reflect together on third things and come up with some that are realistic and enjoyable for you!